I Need A New Mood Ring

The mood rings I've seen only tell me what my mood is. This is boring. I know what my mood is. I need a mood ring which produces more information, such as a pie chart which says:

Your mood is

33% hormones. Wait it out.
27% fatigue. Take a nap.
30% annoying people. Get away from them.
10% lack of chocolate. Have an M and M.

There may be additional core categories of mood drivers. I haven't thought of them all. But while I'm sure there is a huge market for this idea, I'm giving it away here on the internet. Please, someone, come up with this ring.

How To Clean Up From A Spaghetti Lunch In 25 Easy Steps

1. START: Both children are in high chairs and are covered in spaghetti sauce and bits of spaghetti. Big Sister announces that she wants to sit on the potty.
2. Take Big Sister out of the high chair, trying to keep her hands and face off your clothes. March her to the bathroom.
   
3. Big Sister announces she wants to sit on the big potty. Put potty insert on the big potty, remove her diaper, sit her down. Offer her a book. She asks you to read the book. Read the book as fast as possible.
4. Little Sister, in the throes of separation anxiety, begins to howl at having been left. Return to Little Sister and attempt to remove ground spaghetti from her face and body. Remove her onesie carefully so the chunks of spaghetti remain attached and don't fall on the floor.
5. Return to Big Sister in the bathroom, and find that she is pulling a large portion of the toilet paper roll into the toilet. Take her off the toilet, which she promptly flushes. The toilet clogs.
6. Close the bathroom door and go after Big Sister, who is running bare bottomed through the house. Put a diaper on her and wipe spaghetti off her hands and face. Wipe Little Sister's hands and face again.
   
7. Tell Big Sister that you cannot read "Eat Your Peas" to her right now; she must wait for you to clean up.
   
8. Notice that the cat, who is diabetic and on a restricted diet, is eating spaghetti off the floor. Chase the cat off and get out Clorox Wipes to clean spaghetti off the floor.
9. While you are cleaning off the floor, Big Sister wanders in, drops "Eat Your Peas" on the floor and announces "I help clean-up." She grabs the Clorox Wipes and fishes one out. Wonder what she will inadvertently bleach. Decide not to care.
10. Finish getting spaghetti off the floor and work on getting it off the chairs. Notice Big Sister wiping her Little Tikes garden with Clorox Wipe. Take booster chair off dining room chair. Wonder if you should have bought a second high-chair rather than use a portable high-chair on the dining room chair.
    
11. Put the cat out as she is meowing loudly.
    
12. Remove base of dining room chair and get Shout Wipe to clean the fabric of it, as Big Sister takes a wipe to the body of the chair saying "I help clean."
13. Clean the dishes and load the dishwasher.
14. Notice Little Sister is crawling across the floor with a piece of foil which used to hold chicken. Realize your husband left the foil on the children't play table. Take away foil.
15. Clean counters.
16. Go upstairs to get a clean shirt for Big Sister, a clean outfit for Little Sister (who is still wearing only a diaper, and a plunger.
17. Change Little Sister and put on a new outfit. Change Big Sister's shirt.
    
18. Plunge toilet.
    
19. Go back and load more dishes. Notice Little Sister is trying to shred the carpet around an outlet which for unknown reasons is in the floor near the door. Move Little Sister.
20. Go back and make sure toilet is functioning.
21. Finish dishwasher loading and attempt to put in dish soap before Little Sister can crawl in.
22. Pick up Little Sister and take her with you as you return the plunger upstairs.
    
23. Return downstairs and finish wiping down counters.
24. Wipe floor again and return "Eat Your Peas" to the book area.
25. Done! Return call from your mother.
    
    

An Odd Little Quiz

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Well, maybe not that odd, just very reflective of the polarization of our current politics. There was no middle ground. I've always known that I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative, but I was confused by the fact that "ethics" could be a political position. So with a little trial and error I identified the "ethics" questions, which are:

1. The only social responsibility of a company should be to deliver a profit to its shareholders.
• False
• True
2. Everyone has a right to health care, even if they can't afford it
• False
• True
3. All authority, by its nature, should be questioned
• False
  
• True
  
4. Abortion should be...
• Completely legal and available
  
• Restricted, discouraged, or illegal

I can't believe that first question is "conservative" if you agree that a company's only obligation is profit. I know that is what G.W. Bush believes, but considering how fond the conservative American Family Association is of boycotting any company who markets to gays, I don't think profit is their only agenda item.

Now that second question probably is to some degree "ethical," but would conservatives truly say that if you don't have the money you don't deserve help when you are bleeding? Maybe I'm naive, but I think the core issue is more whether everyone should get government funded health care, not whether or not everyone should get health care at all.

I wasn't even sure how to answer the "question authority" question, because in my mind you should always be able to question authority, but that doesn't mean you always need to do so.

And then the abortion question. In point-of-fact, I do think abortion should be discouraged. But since the question made that equivalent to illegal, I went with option one.

So I'm 100% ethically liberal. I've just been reading up on Ann Coulter. In her world, apparently that's the same thing as having no ethics at all. I'm very proud.

This Is Why I Grocery Shop On Weekdays

I remember when I was 16. I worked at McDonald's for four-and-a-half whole months. At the end of that time, I was convinced I had learned everything McDonald's had to teach me. I may have.

At McDonald's, there was a definite split between the weekday workers and the weekend workers. I admit it: we were a little snobbish towards the weekday workers. This was their career. We were headed for bigger and better things.

This weekend I was reminded of that attitude as I waited for a teenager with a name tag that said "Harris Teeter Employee since 2006" to ring up my groceries. I was trying to use a couple of coupons I got from Ziploc for complaining that their containers cracked after being in my freezer. (I rarely complain but I got $6 worth of coupons! I may complain more often!). Anyway, each coupon was for a free item up to $3. The cashier stared at them.

"How much were the items?" he said. (He'd just rung them up.)

"Excuse me?" I said.

"How much were the items? I neede to write it down," he said.

"Well, one was $2.99 and the other was, I don't know (here I looked at the receipt where it was hanging from the cash register) $4.29."

So he rings up one for $2.99 off and then sets the other aside.

"So you can't use this one because it was more than $3."

"Yes I can, you just take $3 off."

Then he calls for a manager, who says "take $3 off" and then says "why are you ringing up $4.29? Ring up $3."

I felt for the people behind me.

Now it could be that the daytime employees would have struggled with this coupon too. But the daytime employees are faster, and they are better at bagging the groceries. They bag like types of groceries with like, which makes unpacking easier. And they are friendly. Their attitude says "thanks for shopping here," not "I'm just trying to get gas money and you are asking me a hard question."

As a customer, I have to say I like the career employees better.

Scratch 'N Dent

L. was wailing this morning and I couldn't figure out why, but now I see that she has a little bruise on the inside of her lip.

One of the hardest adjustments for me as a parent is accepting that I can't keep my kids from injuring themselves. Not only that, but that I sometimes the one who inadvertently causes the injury. I've managed to scratch them with my fingernail more than once as I'm picking them up for something.

The worst, of course, was the time that S. and I were playing ring-around-the-rosie. I'm not big on falling down myself, so I usually hold her arms and lower her gently to the floor for the "fall down." This time I lost my grip on one arm, and wound up supporting her with the other. She started to cry and didn't stop. As it turned out I'd given her something called a "nursemaid's elbow," which a doctor can make disappear fast. I'm pretty careful not to lift her by one arm these days.

But often in the bath I find that they have acquired some new bruise or dent that I didn't see happen. My sister, a pediatrician, reassures me about this. She says it is the "one goose egg a day" age. And I guess it is a sign that I have active children.

I'm Not Jewish...

... but from the point-of-view of the anti-Semites among us, my husband and children are. (From the point of view of the rabbi, they probably aren't). Sometimes I find it scary. I see them as the little girl in the red coat in Schindler's List, and the thought brings me physical pain. I am unused to how to think about their origins in this world where there is so much blind hate.

I'm not sure what to say to people who have been Jewish their whole lives, either. Mostly, I defer to them. This is a new area for me. But lately I have been overwhelmed by the level of paranoia and anger that seems to be required. I don't think I can sustain it.

First, I got this chain letter from a woman in my playgroup:

Important, please read!!

Several weeks ago, Germany announced its decision to stop all arms sales to Israel . Since then, other countries have followed suit.

In response, Israel has canceled its annual multimillion dollar contract for its nationwide DAN buses which were manufactured in Germany , and is looking at other bus suppliers in the US , and Japan.

The Europeans and their Muslim allies should understand that boycotts works both ways. When we said NEVER AGAIN, we meant it. Europe is stuck in the mentality of 1933 and conditioned to thinking of Jews as
defenseless entities. The reality is very different. As long as Europe adheres to and supports its primitive Middle Ages death cult, European products must be off limits.

We continue to call for a complete boycott of travel and products from the following countries France, Belgium, Spain, Germany, Sweden, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Holland, and China, due to their support, sponsorship, and/or participation in global Islamic terror. The voting record of the above countries at the UN openly endorses Muslim terror.

Remember, every time you buy a bottle of Evian, a Carlsberg product, a Spanish melon, a Godiva chocolate, a Dior lipstick, a Gucci bag, or a German kitchen appliance, you are financing the next Muslim mass murderer.

The European Union gives over $10 million per month to the Palestinian Authority, knowing full well that the money is funneled to buy, import, and train Muslim terrorists and their weapons of mass murder.

We strongly encourage everyone to buy American and Israeli products instead. Buy Estee Lauder or Ahava instead of Chanel, Dior, and YSL. Tell the salespeople why. Educate the public when you shop.

Europe is underwriting the Arab war to exterminate the Jewish state. We cannot sit idly by while this happens. Make your voice heard and let them feel the sting in their pocketbooks. Let the Europeans know that supporting terror does not pay.

Please send this to at least 10 like minded people

Where to start with this?

• The events referenced happened in 2002, when Germany halted on arms deal in response to Israel's action in the West Bank. The article I read described Germany as "long Israel's biggest supporter in Europe."
• Since then, several of the countries mentioned have seen terrorist actions, most notably Spain. One could hardly accuse them of supporting Islamic terrorism after the bombings there.
• In any case, companies are publicly held and in this age of globalization it is very hard to characterize them as coming from any one company.
• Even if the company was entirely based in one country, unless the company is actually government owned then boycotting the company does nothing to affect the government.
• At least one of the brands here, Godiva, is actually owned by an American company, Campbell Soup, which is based in New Jersey. There are probably more but I didn' t have time to research it.
• The Palestinian Authority has historically received money from Israel, the U.S. , the European Union, and other sources. In April the European Union cut off all funding to the Palestinian Authority until the Hamas government recognizes Israel's right to exist, though they are debating whether to fund health care workers there.

Then I just foolishly got myself embroiled in a discussion on Blogging Baby. The original poster described some teenage boys' use of quotes from Hitler in the yearbook, and said she found the quotes themselves "meaningful." The quotes themselves could easily have been interpreted as an indictment of the current administration, as one said "Strength lies not in defense, but in attack" (perhaps a reference to the U.S. "pre-emptive" attack of Iraq) and the other said
"The great masses of people ... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one." (perhaps thinking the Weapons of Mass Destruction were a big lie.). Since the boys didn't give any context clues, using Hitler was a bad idea.

But the commenters on the post came down hard on the original poster, accusing her of insensitivity and worse. "When you are lucky enough to come from a family or people or religion or culture that has not been slaughtered, raped, pillaged or hunted down - I then I guess you can look at this as genius or 'meaningful'," said one poster. How's that for strong language? Exactly how that poster knew the original poster's ethnicity is beyond me. In fact, I think her assumption was wrong, but it is neither here nor there, unless you actually think there should be some kind of litmus test for commenting on anything to do with Shoah or Hitler or even Germany.

So I posted and tried to explain the original poster's thought, but that just got me attacked too. One of the people had lost many family members, and her pain and anger were understandable. Yet I'm sure the original poster did not intend to come across as a Hitler apologist.

I am pained. Is a constant level of vigilance and anger required? Can it just be vigilance, and careful thought, without assuming the worst motives in everyone?

So Anyway

I was just reading a post on Blogging Baby about birth control, and it reminded me of a story.

I was in Target and working my list. I had one kid strapped to me in the Bjorn, and the other one strapped in the cart which was loaded down with diapers and sippy cups. I was about two months postpartum. We were standing next to the kid paraphernalia and a nice Target man asked if he could help me.

"Only if you can tell me what I wrote on my list," I said, staring at in confusion.

So he looked at my list. We both looked at it. What did it say? Cotton? There was a C, and some tall letter in the middle and some squiggling in between. Why couldn't I write more clearly?

Then, suddenly, I knew what it said.

It said "Condoms."

"OH!" I said. "I got it. OK. Thanks for your help." And I scurried off without making eye-contact, my usually pale skin a new very deep shade of red.

Family Support

So my mother calls this afternoon and we talk about random topics, like the kids' colds and Saturday's Race For The Cure. Then she says "oh, don't quote me on this but...."

"Your brother says you spend too much time on the computer."

Me: "Well, I surf a lot when I'm nursing."

Mama: "Yes, he said that, but he said you need to be making money."

Me: "What makes him think we need money?"

Mama: "Well not make money, but do something productive. So I have some accounts you could help me with."

This is a line my mother tries at least once a month. She keeps all her accounts on paper, and periodically she says she needs someone to help. The thing is, I've done it. I put everything in both Excel and Quicken at one time. She never updated it. And let's not even get into the fact that she doesn't pay, which would be fine except that she promises to pay. But I don't even mention these things.

Me: "Well, I really only have one hand free, so I really can only do things which take one hand. Which is why I surf."

Mama: "Oh. OK."

I think she could tell I was annoyed.

But my real question is, why is my brother dogging me to my mother?

Updated: I asked my brother what I'd done to him and he said "Plenty. Why?" I said "What did you do that made Mama call me and say she heard I was on the computer all the time and I could do her accounts?" He said "Nothing. If I said anything, it was that you should help me with my work" (he's a web designer). Then he said "Good luck getting paid." Clearly we all have this problem with Mama.

Atkins Is Not For Me

My sister and I went to the annual sale at A Southern Season today. We aren't really people who shop for fun, especially me, but we do love us a good gourmet food store. We both got excited about the silicon pastry brush on sale for $5.99 (regularly $15.99). Have you seen these things? So cool, especially if you like working with filo pastry like I do.

They also had cheese on sale, so I bought some brie and a nice baguette, and lunch was baguette, brie, and a crisp organic Granny Smith apple. I love the crusty bread and cream combination, and the tartness of the apple. I remember when meals like that were the height of exotic for me; I associated them with some of my first trips to England where brie and bread were easily obtained, and with my just-after-college move to D.C. where a deli was strategically positioned close to our nearest metro station. For dinner we'd get brie, bread, and some of their wonderful marinated mushrooms. I also think of a scene in one of my favorite movies, Diva, where a character slowly, sensuously, smears butter across the full length of a baguette and discusses "zen and the art of buttering bread." When I was travelling Europe after graduate school I met some other backpackers and we found we were all carrying long loaves of bread and containers of butter. We took a picture. We haven't seen each other since, but I still have the picture.

Stormy Night

I talked to my relative tonight and she sounds so much better. I am very relieved. We are back to talking about kids and relatives.

So though it is raining, things do not seem dark. Rain does bring up memories for me.

When I was single I owned a house in scenic St. Paul, Minnesota. St. Paul didn't get as many tornadoes as the rest of Minnesota, but it did get these incredible storms with straight-line winds, and they did just as much damage.

When I bought my house I walked through it and I looked out the windows and tried to imagine myself there and looking out the windows every day. The front bedroom was largest, and it looked out at a huge tree. I was never sure of the type, but I think it was some kind of beech. I looked at that tree and tried to imagine myself looking at it every day. It stood just to the left of my view looking out, at the corner of the porch.

One Friday night I had gone to my aunt's in Minneapolis as another aunt was visiting. I drove home late for a family night; it must have been at least 10:30. It wasn't raining much as I drove, but there were bits of leaf and branches on the road. It felt like the calm between storms, and for some reason I thought "I bet that tree comes down tonight." I don't know why I thought it.

I got home and it started to rain and blow again. I went on with my evening routine and went to the bathroom at the back of the house to take my contact lenses out. As I was taking them out it became very windy, and there was suddenly a huge crackling sound. I stood at the door of the bathroom in panicked indecision. Should I try to go downstairs? Would that be more dangerous? The noise stopped, and it started to thunder, and I thought "how foolish, it was just the storm starting up again." I went downstairs and everything seemed normal. I went to the window and pulled the curtain aside.

There, like some kind of Little Shop of Horrors laughing plant, was the tree trunk, horizontal and less than a foot from my window.

I don't remember the exact sequence of what I did next, but I know I called my aunt and uncle and they came to look too. I remember that I went up to my bedroom and found there were small pieces of drywall all over my bed, but no huge holes in my wall. I remember neighbors I didn't know calling out to ask if I was all right.

We concluded there was nothing we could do that night and my aunt and uncle went home and came back the next day.

The tree had fallen across my front porch and landed resting on my neighbor's house. For a 40-foot-tree fall it was actually probably the least damage it could have done. It took out my porch, but the structural damage to the house was pretty minimal.

The rest is technical details: insurance claims (did you know that trees are "no fault" in Minnesota? So I didn't have to pay for the damage to my neighbor's house even though it was my tree), bids to get the tree removed, my wonderful friend who helped me dismantle the porch so it wouldn't pull on the house anymore, getting the stump ground (insurance didn't cover this), getting the porch re-built, having a porch-warming party.

In the week before it happened, my sister-in-law had a daughter. The week after it happened my sister had a son. It was almost 8 years ago. It was a very eventful time. Now it just gives me a healthy respect for storms.

Today Feels Dark and Looming

It isn't actually dark; right now it is sunny and the air is crisp. I went outside to get the mail and it looks like a nice day though the weather forecast is mixed.

But both my kids have colds so we're home and watching too much TV, and everyone I've talked to today is having Major Problems.

First, I talked to a relative to whom I'm very close, a fellow mommy of a 2 1/2 year old. She gets a propensity for depression from both sides, and it is clear from her voice that she is Not Doing Well. Her current combination of medications is not doing the job. She works a part-time gig, and spends most of her time taking care of her child, and she's to the point that she'd like to check herself in for a serious psychiatric work-up. Yet she doesn't know what she'd do with the work or the kids. Today she called in sick and her husband came home. I've talked to her twice today, and I feel so uncertain how to help. Even our usual topics of celebrity gossip and snarking on other relatives aren't perking her up, so I know she's in a very low place. I offered to take her child, but she is some distance away and there is the practical matter of how to get the child here.

Then I talked to the person who inspired my recent post on divorce. We didn't talk about her marital difficulties, but there was an undercurrent of tension in her voice and everything she said. I told her I'd heard she was having difficulties, and I'd do anything I could. I told her cute stories about the kids. But everything about her voice said "I am worn very very thin."

As I've been typing this, the sky has started to cloud over and I hear thunder. Which does at least suit the climate more to my mood. I wish so much that I could help these people. It is so hard to be in a dark place; I've been there myself.

Close The Door

S. has developed an obsession with shutting doors. The minute she is strapped into her car seat she starts announcing "close the door Mommy. Close the door" with increasing volume until the door is closed. If she wakes up in the night, she insists we close the door when we leave her room. When she wakes up in the morning she shuts the door to her room as she leaves, and she then enters our room and shuts the door behind her.

I have to admit I think this is a good thing.

I like to shut doors, especially cabinet doors. I think things look cleaner when doors are shut. I'm not even that big on opening windows. But I grew up with parents who weren't advocates of shutting doors. I remember repeatedly cracking my head on overhead cabinets which had been left open in our first house. Then my parents built a house, and they decided that since "no one" closes cabinet doors we should just have no cabinet doors. This didn't mean that they kept things neatly, though, so the cabinets just looked grubby.

Now I've married a man who also doesn't seem to close doors. Last week I woke up to a neighbor bringing our dog back, because my husband had taken the trash barrel out without shutting the gate. Last night I asked him to put something in the guest room, and he put it there, but left the door open and the light on (I try to keep our guest room shut and cat free). He never closes cabinet doors.

So if S. wants all doors shut, I support that. It is so much better than the alternative.