High School Is Not Actually Over

The names in this story have been changed to protect the paranoid.

We have a pretty nice playgroup. Most of the mommies are in their late 30s, and I like being with mommies closer to my age. Then I don't feel so old. Most of the kids are right around 2. Several of the mommies were nice enough to bring us meals when L. was born. We were on the front end of second babies, but now a lot of the mommies are having second babies, so get-togethers have been a little harder to schedule.

I know that some of the mommies have other connections and other playdates, but I don't really feel excluded. Some of them center around music class, which we couldn't go to because S. went through a phase of yelling during group singing (NO MOMMY) even though she likes singing herself. I know I've been in at least one subgroup too, as we were part of a subset of playgroup invited to one birthday party.

So we've been trying to organize for an outing to a local farm event. Ever since our original organizer, Kathy, got pregnant with twins we've all sort of taken informal turns organizing things, and if no one steps up to the plate it just doesn't happen. No one seemed to be stepping up for the plate for this until I got a call from Tina saying she was organzing a group including people from our group and other friends. I said I wanted in. She asked about other people from playgroup; I said I thought Kathy's son was in pre-school so she was out.

Then Kathy sent a note to our Yahoo list saying "I'll organize, who wants to go." So I sent a note that said "Tina is already organizing, contact her" and I forwarded Tina's message (which went to her private list, not the Yahoo list). Then Kathy sent out an IRATE message saying she was being left out and it wasn't the first time.

So I called Kathy and I said "I hope I didn't contribute to the misunderstanding." She said "no, no, I appreciate your letting me know something else was being organized." Then she said "Tina just doesn't like me."

Oh.

I was a bit stuck for a response. I've actually only met Tina a couple of times, and I wasn't sure many of us knew each other well enough to determine like or dislike. We really tend to just talk about our kids.

Tina then sent an apology/explanation to the Yahoo list, and Kathy followed it with a long "I didn't mean to upset anybody; perhaps I'm just hormonal" note.

I'm a little curious how the excursion will go.

Me, I've never been a very clique-ey person. In high school I had an eclectic group of friends from everything from the drama druggies to the honor students. I liked my one-on-one relationships with each of them, but I knew I could never put them in a room together.

But I can't say I've never been a part of a clique. When I was in graduate school in England I fell in with a group of students who were mostly on grants, and who had a similar work ethic to me, and who all were in the same study session. Since we went straight from our Friday afternoon study session to the pub we became a kind of de facto group. We had little mini-dramas within the group and various friendships outside the group, but we did move as a bit of a pack.

Based on my experience inside and outside, I don't think most cliques operate with the kind of planned malice those on the outside assume. I think a lot of cliques are formed by accidents of proximity, and that a lot of exclusions are pure absentmindedness. Maybe I'm too idealistic about it, but I've never heard anyone say "let's not include her. I just don't like her."

And yet people still fear that is what is being said. I fear it too, on my bad days, but in my rational heart I don't think so.