Biting A Hole Through My Tongue

She said: I've put some laundry on your pile.
I said: Which pile? (to which she said "the one on the washing machine.")
I wanted to say: You want me to do your laundry when you are only here for two days?

She said: These veggie chips are really good. [Looking at the package]. They have A LOT of calories. A LOT of calories. They really have A LOT of calories.
I said: They are for the children. The kids need calories. [Seriously, I'm on doctor's orders to get more fat into my kids.]
I wanted to say: Have you noticed that only the kids eat them? Could you not snarf the whole bag, because usually it lasts us a week or more, not one day?

I said: The kids really like brocolli.
She ate the whole container of leftover brocolli.
I wanted to say: Could you PLEASE stop eating the kids' food????? Did you have to eat all of it?

She said: What can I do to help?
I said: Make sure the kids stay in the other room while I'm cooking.
I wanted to say: Why is this kid crawling up my leg in the kitchen? What part of "stay in the other room" don't you understand? How about "second-degree burn"? Would you understand that?

I said: We eat late because I have to wait for husband to watch the kids while I cook.
She said: I can watch the kids.
I wanted to say: Then why don't you? Why every time do they wind up underfoot??? And don't even get me started on the time you were watching BigSister and she went for a "swim" in the toilet.

She said: So I see the kids haven't started writing on the walls yet.
I said: The kids will write on the walls. They just aren't permitted to. We take out the crayons for drawing and put them away afterwards.
She said: Oh well, Kay (their cousin) writes on the walls with lipstick. She gets up on the stool and gets it. And she draws on the carpet with nail polish.
I wanted to say: Does my sister-in-law supervise her kids? Ever?

She said: BigSister! Don't stand so close to the TV!
I said: BigSister, will you sit by Daddy?
I wanted to say: I know that it doesn't really matter if you stand too close to the TV. But if you don't move Grandma will never stop saying "move." I'm more concerned that since she wants to watch football all day you've seen more commercials today than you've seen in your whole life.

My tongue hurts. Really.